Isn’t funny that when God speaks to us our willingness to admit He’s speaking to us directly correlates to what He’s calling us to do? If “willingness to hear” and “level of difficulty of the thing He’s asking” were represented on a graph they might just have an exactly inverse relationship.

I’ve noticed that when these circumstances happen to me, I’ve defaulted to the same repetitive thought. It pops into my head verbatim: “Did God really say that?” Questioning our ability to hear God an easy out because it gives us permission to delay and dismiss, pretending that we’re just being extra careful, wanting to follow God exactly, and seeking discernment. But the soul knows deep down. I’ve found that over time, delay leads to depression and loss of purpose, and by the time I reach that point, the confusion and questions double: “God what would you have me do?? I’m so confused!” Delay is a real gamble too. We’re tempting God to take more drastic means to get our attention. Or worse, we’re essentially telling Him we don’t want this assignment He’s trying to give and what if, just maybe, He says ok to that? What would we miss out on? What life and blessings did he have in store that we passed on?

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see in  my own life that I missed some of the best God had for me by going my own way. The most painful example: I missed out on holding my babies when they were little because I ignored that still small voice inside that said to leave the job. I couldn’t imagine how we would ever make ends meet, so I convinced myself that I was just suffering from “Mom guilt” or even common treatable anxiety. To this day I can look back and sob with the deepest heartache at what I missed. It was thing that mattered most to me in life, and at its core, I sacrificed it on the alter of Money & Career. I cannot describe the regret and despair that decision has left lingering inside of me and if I could scream one thing from the hilltops to the whole world I’d beg young moms to avoid this mistake at all costs.

I’m at that crossroads again. It feels like God is telling me to leave my current job, but it makes absolutely no sense. I’ve spent four years working on a huge project; construction has finally finished and I’m supposed to move into my new corner office next week. The thing I’ve worked hard to build is now a reality, and it feels like it’s time to step into this new exciting thing. But alas, that feeling… Again I find myself questioning “Is God really saying that?” Even as I write this, I’m questioning whether my current situation is actually a repeat of the past or am I self-sabotaging, and seeing shadows where there are none.

Someone said recently that confusion sets in when we start involving our own reasoning into the process of hearing God. They described the process as Hear God + (plus) Obey – (minus) Thinking Too Hard About It. If only it were so easy as that mathematical equation.

But coming from a lifelong Questioner Of Everything, what if it is?